Deanna Troi entered Ten-Forward with a definite purpose in mind. Her eyes searched to confirm what her senses already knew. After just a few seconds she spotted one of her friends near the doors at the other side of the lounge and began to approach the solemn figure. Before she had gotten as far as half way through the room she was noticed by the blue eyes and instantly the figure bolted out the chair and disappeared into the corridor.

Troi sighed heavily and was about to turn back to retreat to her quarters when Geordi LaForge stepped up to her. Smiling his usual broad smile. "It's been a while since I've seen you around here Counselor," he commented too casually, "Can I buy you a drink?"

One eyebrow carefully arched and a smile to take away his uneasiness. "No thank you Geordi. I was just looking for...someone." His face fell, almost imperceptibly, but his emotions were a lot clearer to her. Apparently the change in the friendship between herself and the ship's medical officer had not gone unnoticed.

She reached out to Geordi's hand and squeezed it in a gesture of gratitude and left the crowded lounge, back to the safety of her quarters.

* * *

The doors opened even before he'd come within sensor range. Damned empathy or hers he cursed silently and entered. Deanna just walked out of her bathroom, her hair loosely flowing around her shoulders and every lack of make-up on her face. Will noticed the reddened skin around her eyes and they seemed a bit swollen. "Deanna, are you all right?" 

Dark eyes flashed at him across the distance. "I have been *all right* for weeks!" She snapped, emphasizing each word with cold determination. True enough, he knew, it had been over two weeks since Alkar's demise and Deanna's thirty minute death. An involuntary shudder slithered up his spine and out of habit he gave her a once over. She was back to her normal self. Physically at least.

"Will you *stop* doing that!" How the towel remained clung to her body was something that completely eluded Riker, but he was glad that it did.

"Dea, we're just concerned."

"As you have been for weeks! *I* told you, the doctor told you; I'm *fine*. I just want *my* life *back*!" Pent up frustration finally seemed to be released and Will almost sighed of relieve. But then Deanna switched that damn switch of her and the frustration was reeled back inside and the counselor's calm returned.

He resisted the urge to clench his hands into fists and instead managed to smile. "All right. So why don't you get dressed and I take you to that dinner I promised."

"If you don't mind Will, I'd like to take you up on that some other night." Her voice didn't falter and her black eyes gazed steadily into his and still could he tell something was upsetting her. Trying to determine whether or not it would be safe to ask her proved more difficult and when she ordered the computer to open the doors the decision was taken out of his hands. Fortunately.

* * *

"Beverly, could I have a minute of your time?" The soft voice of Deanna Troi barely broke the silence that had lapsed into existence a few seconds ago.

"I'm sorry Counselor, but I have some errands to run in Sickbay." And before anyone could blink their eyes Doctor Crusher had left the observation lounge behind her. Deanna slumped back into her chair and the resigned expression that settled on her face didn't go unnoticed by the other senior officers.

"Excuse me," Troi muttered after an uncomfortable silence and then she too darted out of the room, leaving four men and an android behind. Picard and Riker locked their eyes for a moment and then they too stood up and left the room. What had happened between the two women was a mystery to all of them, but the way they interacted had changed in such a drastic manner none of them hadn't noticed it.

* * *

Deanna was pacing through her quarters, from window to door and back again. And again, and again. It had been three weeks since she and Beverly had exchanged anything but pleasantries and professional conversations. Why couldn't Beverly see she wanted to talk to her? She needed a friend. It was not that Will wasn't being sweet or considerate, for he was, but Beverly was supposed to be her best friend and she was the one who had saved her life.

"Computer" she called out "display Doctor Crusher's schedule for today." Familiar bleeps told her the computer was busy accessing the information it needed and within twenty seconds Deanna knew doctor Crusher had the entire afternoon and evening off.

* * *

Having put the remains of her lunch in the recycler Beverly curled up on her sofa and picked up the framed photo that had been lying on the floor. Her eyes fastened on the small woman in the middle. How could she have killed her? She was a doctor and the very first rule a doctor learned was 'if you can't make a patient better, never make it worse'. And for all intends and purposes, *dead* was definitely worse!

How could she ever forgive herself? Deanna had been her best friend on board, they had shared just about everything, pulled pranks, healed patients, saved lives and dragged each other through the down periods. And she had killed her! Fully conscious, fully lucid and without giving anyone as much as a chance to say goodbye. Never had she asked Deanna's permission, or Lwaxana's, or Will's. She had seen the look on Riker's face when he realized what she was going to do, she had heard Jean-Luc speaking to a distraught Lwaxana Troi over the comlink trying to explain that, yes Deanna was dead, but that they would revive her and that he had complete confidence in 'his chief medical officer' and all she could think was, what if I'm not good enough?

She had been good enough, she had revived Deanna, with only seconds to spare, but still it felt like betrayal and failure.

The doors suddenly opened --reminding Beverly she'd forgot to engage the privacy lock-- and in walked the last person she wanted to face; Deanna Troi. "Why are you avoiding me?" She asked quietly in a voice so filled with hurt it brought tears to Beverly's own eyes.

"I--" she swallowed and tried again, "Dea, I..."

"What have I done?" Deanna stepped forward, just enough to place herself completely in the doctor's view. Her hair was down and seemed in slight disarray. Her dress was a little uncharacteristic; loose, thick and figure-concealing. Probably a left over from what Alkar had put her through Beverly surmised. "I don't remember everything I did under...under Alkar's influence. Did I hurt you? Upset you?"

The assumption! How did she come up with that?! "No!" The forcefulness of her reaction startled Deanna so much that she made a little jump.

"Then why? Why do you feel such embarrassment whenever you see me? Why the hurt, the longing?" Her words brought Beverly to her feet and within seconds she'd crossed the distance between them and flung her arms around Deanna. "No! It's not your fault! God, it's not your fault." Deanna stiffened in the embrace, for a second not sure what to do.

She returned the hug for a little while and then gently disentangled herself from her friend. The two women locked eyes for a long moment, both of them some what hesitant about what to say or do. Eventually Deanna walked past Crusher and sat down on the couch. The emotions coming from the doctor confused her and at the same time broke the control she had over her own. "Talk to me."

Beverly struggled with her thoughts for longer than she would've liked, but Deanna didn't pres further and simply waited. "Deanna, I--" She couldn't do this! How could she apologize for something so horrendous?! Then suddenly a sense of calmness settled over her, spreading through her body from her hand. The one Deanna was holding to be precise. "How are you doing that?" she queried; all too happy to let the doctor in her take over.

"Don't try to change the subject."

"I'm not trying too--" She snapped her mouth shut as Deanna suddenly withdrew her hand and jumped up. "Damn it Beverly! I just want my life back! Your friendship! I'm tired of being treated as a porcelain doll." Pent up frustration finally came to a head and tore from her throat. "I don't want to feel the revulsion you feel whenever you see me, I don't want *you* to feel it!" By now Beverly stood to, but she hesitated about how to break Troi's tirade. "What happened to me? To our friendship?"

"Oh Deanna" What could she say? What should she say? They stood across from each other for a long time, tears trickling down their faces, dripping unnoticed on their clothing at each second that passed. And as the doctor was looking for the right words the counselor was keeping her emotions at bay with the last remains of her strength.

Finally Troi broke the spell that had settled over the two women as she took a step backwards and quickly wiped her tears away. She was already near the door when Crusher realized where she was going. "Deanna, don't" she croaked "I..." Why couldn't she say it? She knew the words, could pronounce them, even spell them. So why couldn't she say them?

"It's all right Bev. I understand." Damn it Beverly Crusher, she chided herself, for once it would be all right to blurt *anything* out before thinking. "I'm sorry I hurt you."

"NO! No, you don't understand!" Her words, so urgently spoken, stopped Deanna's steps, "you can't possibly understand Deanna." She hesitated between the doors and the danger of what might be said, but choose to stay and wait. "You're my best friend" Beverly continued "you helped me deal with so much during the past years and..." Words failed her again and in a last attempt she closed her eyes and focused on her breathing, just like Deanna had taught her. "And in return I, I *killed* you!" Release, at last.

"You just did your job." Her voice was so calm Beverly wasn't sure she'd heard it correctly.

"My job is to *heal* people! Not *kill* them!" And to her utter astonishment, Deanna *smiled*

"Sometimes" she whispered as she stepped closer and enfolded her dearest friend with her arms "something simple can solve a complicated problem, but most of the time, that simple act requires an incredible amount of courage, faith and love." No more words were spoken after that for a long time as both women shed tears and began the real healing.

"Can you forgive me?"

"Beverly Crusher!" Deanna exclaimed disbelieving "that is the *stupidest* thing you have *ever* asked me!" Laughter replaced weeping and smiles replaced tears.

"What did he do to you?" The laughter died instantly and Deanna lowered her eyes and turned her head away ever so slightly.

"Enough for me to welcome death" she replied quietly, then raised her eyes back to Crusher's. Troi moved to the couch and sat down, she curled her legs underneath her and Beverly noticed she wasn't wearing shoes.

When she realized Deanna didn't collaborate any further she asked her again, this time with more urgency. Troi hesitated, she hadn't told anyone what she'd gone through, Beverly had always been her listening ear, as was Will. But what Alkar had put her through...an unwelcome shiver slithered up her spine. "I --he..." Now that she experienced the emotions herself, she recognized what she had sensed from Beverly earlier on. A strange mix of wanting and needing to talk combined with the trepidation, shame and embarrassment of doing so.

What she also sensed was Crusher's need to know what had happened, which provided just enough motivation for her to find the words. "His emotions, his lusts and hates, colored everything." She wasn't sure where to look, she didn't want to see the compassion, or hurt, in her friend's eyes yet at the same time she didn't want to embarrass or insult the doctor by not looking into her eyes.

Deanna compromised by shifting her eyes between Beverly's and the pattern on the couch. "All I could see in people were the things I didn't like...and the attributes that I did." She felt the color rise in her cheeks as she remembered the seduction she'd pulled on Will, right after her...unusual appointment with an ensign. "His 'negative' memories came along with the emotional input--" 

Her throat tightened as she recalled those memories and fear began to take over her rationale. 'I've been holding this inside for too long' she vaguely chided herself as she tried to hold back. Beverly noticed it and remained silent to Deanna's relief as she pulled her against her chest.

"He didn't c-care...h-he didn't...hold any-y respect, for any...li--living being...but him---himself." The fear and revulsion, anger and frustration were finally given free reign as Deanna cried into her confidant's shoulder.

"Shh, easy now Dea." Beverly whispered time and time again as she stroked her friend's jet-black hair in soothing movement. How come she hasn't let go of it before now? She should have. It worried her Deanna had been holding back this release for three weeks, she should've let go sooner. When eventually Deanna's crying had swindled down to hick-ups and sobs Beverly gently pushed her away so that she could stand up and get a wet cloth and a glass of water.

"Here" she said as she handed a shaking Deanna the glass of water and began to wipe the younger woman's reddened face with the cloth, "take small sips." She waited until Troi had recovered a bit and then asked her why she'd bee holding it inside for so long.

"I couldn't talk to Will about this, he wouldn't understand." As was often the norm with Deanna Troi the unsaid words were more important than those she did say. And what she basically was saying was 'you weren't there'.

"I'm so sorry Deanna."

"I missed you." For some reason Deanna refused to raise her eyes and Beverly gladly used the opportunity to study the counselor's features more closely. Her cheeks had hollowed and dark ringlets had appeared under her eyes, reminding Beverly too poignantly of her failure as a friend and a doctor.

"I missed you too." With a gentle hand under her chin she asked Troi to face her. "You look awful" she chided.

Sparkles lit the blackness of the Betazoid's eyes "why thank you doctor. You know just what a girl wants to hear."

Crusher chuckled happily; glad to see her friend hadn't lost her sense of humor. "Seriously now, have you slept enough?"

In reply the counselor merely shook her head. "Nightmares" she explained, not meeting Beverly's eyes.

Guilt surged through the doctor, but she quickly put it away. Very much aware Troi would be able to sense it. "Why don't you return to your quarters and I'll bring you a sleep inducer."

Her black eyes widened briefly with fear. At least the redhead thought so. "All right" Troi said demurely and slowly walked to the door. Beverly could swear she...

"Deanna? Are you scared?" Deanna went rigid instantly, not too fond of the idea Beverly could so easily see through her mask. "You are, aren't you?" Beverly rounded her so she could look at her face. Troi was almost in tears again and not knowing what else to do Beverly wrapped her arm around her and guided her to her bedroom. "Why don't you stay here tonight." She could feel how desperate her friend was trying to keep her tears inside by the tension in her shoulders.

The two women sat down on the bed, facing each other. "Beverly you really don't have to--"

"Shush." She said simply and left the room. "I'll go get a tranquilizer."

Was it right of her to accept Beverly's hospitality so easily? True she didn't want to be alone tonight; it was easier to fight nightmares when she had a familiar presence close-by. But after all that had happened the past weeks Deanna wasn't sure she should stay. Although she recognized it was important for Beverly to make up for what she perceived as failure on her part.

Perhaps it would be good for both of them. With the decision being made she began to undress and accessed the replicator menu for a nightgown, a mug of hot chocolate and a cup of tea. It took Beverly longer than she'd expected and Deanna began to get self-conscious. She tried to take the anxiety away by studying her surroundings carefully.

She hadn't been there very often; usually they met in one of their offices, her own quarters or Ten-Forward. The only times she'd spend the night at Beverly's was after a girl's night out that had gotten a -little- out of hand.

* * *

When Beverly returned with the tranquilizer after handling some unexpected errands in sickbay she found Deanna sitting in a chair, demurely looking at the hands she had folded in her lap. She looked extremely vulnerable and frightened, the sight momentarily stopped the beating of Crusher's heart. "Dea, what happened?!" She rushed to her side and enveloped her friend with her arms, shushing the trembling counselor.

Deanna tried to speak, but the fear that had seized her was still too strong. It had happened often since her ordeal with Alkar; when she was alone something would trigger the memories he'd forced upon her and leave her trembling in fear. She tried to speak again, but couldn't make a sound. "Shh, be quiet."

Beverly's soft voice assured her enough to stop trembling, but she still couldn't speak so she followed quietly when the doctor guided her to the bedroom and helped her lie down. Quickly Crusher injected the hypo in Troi's neck and watched as the sleep deprived woman tried to fight the sedation.