"What am I supposed to do Deanna?" Dark eyes regarded him solemnly, the clinical detachment painfully shining through their depths. He could count the times he'd talked to Deanna professionally on one hand, for aside from teasing, he'd hardly ever regarded her as The Counselor where his feelings were concerned.

All that had changed mere hours ago. Yet the detachment tore at his heart. "It feels as if I've lost him. Even when he never really existed to begin with." How did she do that? How did her eyes manage to tell him she wouldn't judge him, that she didn't think he was crazy and yet still radiate understanding and even a little bit of amusement?

"He was real to you, for all intends and purposes" she said in her gentle voice, her eyes not wavering for even the fraction of a second "He wasn't just a hologram Will, he was based on your desires and dreams, so yes it is supposed to feel like a loss." She was right, he had known it before even coming to see her. But the diagnosis wasn't the problem; the solution was.

"But how am I supposed to mourn him, when he doesn't exist anywhere outside my mind." For the first time since he'd entered her office, now half an hour ago, did she smile. No big grin, but her patented 'finally-we're-getting-somewhere' smile. The one that was congratulating, without being disdaining.

She shifted a little and he couldn't phantom why because she had seemed pretty comfortable in her chair. "I would say 'nurture the memories you do have'--" Her pause seemed to be for no other purpose than to take a sip of her tea, but he knew better and patiently waited while contemplating on her words. Just like the good patient he was supposed to be. The best manipulations are those you only see in hindsight. "--But you, you have still access to the core of your loss. You can still talk to the essence of your holographic son."

Will wasn't sure why she'd chosen that definition Perhaps to stress the fact that although Jean-Luc had been real to him, the boy never had existed in a physical form. What surprise him most however, was the pang of hurt he felt at that definition, despite that it had been nothing more than a statement of fact. "Barash" he breathed finally in answer to her gentle suggestion.

Other than a slight nod she didn't respond and merely watched him with those fathomless black eyes.

=/\=

Outside the guest quarters assigned to the alien that called itself Barash Riker tried to figure out how he felt. After taking a deep breath he raised his hand to touch the panel next to the doors and obediently they opened. Will stepped inside with his heart beating wildly in his chest. This was the being that had fooled him into having captaincy and a family and he didn't know whether to be grateful or hateful for that.

=/\=

He wasn't used to seeing her like this. It wasn't that she looked ill, or tired, she just looked...cold. And it send shivers along his spine. Only seconds earlier had he beamed Barash over to the Starbase, but not after admitting to the alien, Deanna *and* himself that he would miss him. Deanna's reaction --to his surprise-- had been absent. Being honest with himself, he admitted that he'd expected her to be proud, or at least satisfied, or give him her 'you're-not-so-tough-and-you-know-it' smile. What he hadn't expected was the ice-cold stare she shot his way.

"What's bothering you?" She didn't turn, didn't blink, didn't tense, didn't relax...hell, she might as well been a statue because he wasn't even sure she was breathing.

But she did speak. "What makes you say anything is bothering me?" He watched dumbfounded when she simply walked away. When he overcame his initial shock he asked the computer her location and followed her.

For the past week she had counseled both him and Barash and had helped both of them to deal with what had happened, but now he realized she had become more and more distant with each session and the last days she had made up excuse to avoid spending her free time with either of them. But no matter how he wracked his mind, he couldn't think of a reason why she'd done that.

He had thought for a while she would be mad at him for picturing his future without her in it, but she had made it clear that wasn't the case, yet when she said that he could've sworn he'd seen a flicker of pain in her eyes...or was that just his imagination?

Will drew a hand through his hair and waited for the Counselor --what happened to Deanna?-- to answer him. When there still wasn't any response after he'd pressed the chimes ten times he became more concerned than he already was. Quickly he keyed in her access code and stepped inside.

He saw her instantly; the light of the stars outlined her silhouette with a illumining hue. He admired her for a while; standing there so serene she seemed untouchable. She lost weight he realized. What was bothering her so much?

"Deanna?" It hurt him when she didn't acknowledge his presence, and although she must have sensed it she kept on ignoring him. "Dea?"

"Go away." The tears so evident in her strained voice blocked his throat. What was going on?

"Imzadi" he pleaded, reaching out to her. Even from where he stood he could feel her muscles tense.

To hell with asking for permission, he determined and before Deanna could react he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly against his chest. "Let me go!" She yelled, trying to wriggle out his embrace. But all it accomplished was him tightening his grip on her. "LET ME GO!!!"

"No way Dea, not until you tell me what's wrong." Somehow she managed to turn in his arms and looked up at him. The anguish on her features halted his breath and he had to swallow to get past the lump in his throat. "Deanna"

What she did next was something he never anticipated, not even in his wildest dreams. Deanna slid her hand behind his head and forcefully pulled him down, when he was within easy reach she fastened her mouth on his with such primal hunger and demand it almost hurt. For a second allowed Will himself to fall into her kiss, but only until he realized there was no passion behind it. Stunned he loosened his grip and immediately Troi darted away from him.

With the emotions the kiss had released reeling inside him he was unable to form a coherent thought until Deana had long since left her quarters.

=/\=

Deanna Troi ran through the corridors of the Enterprise, her sight blinded by tears. What was happening to her? Why did she have to react the way she did? Now she had not only betrayed their friendship, but their bond as well. To use their love as a means of escaping...having reached the arboretum she quickly crawled into a secluded corner to hide, stifling her sobs with all her might. Why did she have to be so jealous?

=/\=

Riker watched her from a distance. From where he stood all he could see was the darkness of her curls. After allowing her a few moments to herself he began to make his way into the seclusion, being careful not to step on any flowers. He still wasn't sure whether to be angered by the kiss she gave him, or be even more worried and so he decided to withhold judgment until he'd been able to figure out what was going on. "Dea?"

"I -told- you to leave me ALONE!!!" She yelled again, although he thought there was less conviction behind her voice this time. Again he wrapped his arms around her, this time after he'd sat down behind her and to his surprise she buried her head against his chest instead of fighting him.

"Deanna, talk to me." He urged her again.

"I'm jealous all right!" She still seemed reluctant to be in his arms and her ire was very much apparent in her voice.

"Jealous?" What on Earth could she be jealous about?! "Dea...about--about Minuet..." He swallowed harshly and tried to look in her eyes, but she refused to meet his. "You know I love you, right?"

It seemed, that was the wrong thing to say.

Deanna pushed him backwards and jumped to her feet. "I -told- you, I don't have a problem with that!"

This avoiding attitude of hers was beginning to get to his nerves...big time. "Damn it Dea, be *honest* with me!"

Finally his words seemed to reach her and she turned around. "You want me to be honest? Fine." He wasn't sure he liked her tone, but it didn't seem he had much choice. "I've been listening to you whining for the past week. Having lost the son you never had. I talked you out of your anger against Barash, I helped you two become fiends. I taught you how to cherish the memories you have and how to admit --if only for a little-- that Barash is the embodiment of a part of the son you never had and yet lost. I told you that it is alright to mourn him and to feel a loss."

Vaguely he wondered how she managed to talk for so long without taking a breath, but her next words quickly exiled that thought. "Yet you keep feeling sorry for yourself. *You* Will Riker, should cherish what you have. You can still talk to the person who made you believe he was your son. You have a living, breathing friend; a boy who knows your fictional son better than you do and *you* should be GRATEFUL for that!"

Her tirade left him speechless and staring at her anger-drawn features; tears streaming down her face like rivers down mountains. She gave her words just enough time to sink in and then ran past him. Reacting on instinct he caught her around her waist, finally realizing why she was so upset. "This is about Ian, isn't it?"

Deanna didn't respond, she didn't need to. "Having me talking about Jean-Luc only reminded you of your own son." He paused and listened to her breathing; harsh gasps and shallow breaths. "Only he just disappeared and I still have Barash and so youre jealous."

He understood now. The pain in her eyes during counseling, the too snappy comments she had made to him and Barash, why she had avoided them and why she had been so distracted. All that had happened had taken her back to the past, when an alien life form had made itself her child, from the point of gestation in her belly to birth and to death; only two days later.

Her bond with Ian had been so much stronger than his bond with Jean-Luc. Jean-Luc had just popped up and then disappeared almost as soon, but she had given birth to Ian, she had felt him grow inside her. He had been as real to her as any other child she might bear and when he left it left a pain only the death of one's own offspring can leave.

He on the other hand hadn't had a chance to really bond with his son and yet he was the one who had felt the most betrayed.