~I See~
Shades of grey were all there was to see. Millions and millions of
shades of grey in her thoughts, in her emotions and in the world around her.
All she could see were shades of grey, all color had been drained away by
a black hole and she was unable to bring them back, or close the black hole that continued to absorb more and more of her
life.
A lie has crept into existence
And doesn't fit in
The sweet damp that usually came from a mug of hot-chocolate had long since
disappeared; the full mug still standing on the table, forgotten and cooled down. Deanna eyed the brown substance wearily
when she picked up the mug, surprised by its sudden coldness.
Her eyes flicked over the half-lit room, looking for something that wasn't
there. Something that hadn't been there for a long time. Only she couldn't figure out what was missing.
My conscious is clouded
But screams to me from a distance
That missing something was like a growing hole inside her, expanding
little
by little each day and she was unable to stop it. In fact, she hadn't even realized it existed until a week ago, but now it
haunted her every waking and sleeping hour.
Bit by bit, day by day she was withdrawing into herself, obsessed with the
black hole inside of her. Something was missing, something vital and something unimaginably important.
My heart is tired
Truth has been tried
As if she were fighting a gravitational pull a hundred times bigger than Earth's
Troi hauled herself to her feet and made her way to her bedroom. Unceremoniously she threw herself on her neatly made bed
and induced a light trance.
Why couldn't she find out what was bothering her? What was inside that hole
that managed to transform her life into a grey mass of thoughts?
Everything became nothing
Nothing left in me
Ever since her internal sensors had made her aware of the hole expanding in
her chest she had lost all interest in what was happening around her. Her Bridge Watches she spent deep in thoughts unless
there was a pressing matter at hand. And never had she lost so badly at poker as two days ago.
And the worse thing of it all was that she couldn't even look at her best
friend without having the urge to run as far away as possible. What was happening to her?!
And now will the longing
Pass every boundary
The thought of him alone; his sparkling blue eyes watching her whenever he
had the chance and the soft lips he hid beneath a furry beard made her heart flutter and crouch at the same time. What was
it about him lately that upset her so? Their friendship was stronger than even and it didn't hurt nearly as bad to think about
their past romance.
Their past romance.
And I see
That life is changing
There's nothing left I know
Now
that you're not here with me
Could that be it? Could that be the reason of her melancholy? The memories
of shared passion with the blue-eyed stranger she'd come to know so well?
Her Imzadi.
Her destiny.
"Oh goddess"
Everything is different
Without you there's no peace
Take me
in your arms again
It would explain everything; her restlessness, the resurfacing memories, the
dreams...the very erotic dreams.
But it couldn't be! They were friends, nothing more. A mutual decision, a
decision in the best interests of both of them. After all, an onboard relationship would cause conflicts of interests, fear
when one of them was on an Away Mission, fear for the other when the ship was under attack.
No way is too steep
No road is unending
Upon reflection however, she had to admit that she felt fear every time any
of her friends went on an Away Mission and if she was totally honest with herself, her fear for Riker was always greater than
that for anybody else. Even when she was dating Worf.
Worf.
Other then a few minor conflicts of interest, if even that, they had experienced
no real difficulty in mixing personal and professional life and in the end, it had been their personal lives that had broke
them apart, not their professional ones.
Then why does it feel
As if I can go no more
Her working relation with Will Riker was different though. They worked much
closer together than she and Worf ever had to. The week they basically lived together in order to do the six-monthly crew-evaluations
was only a fraction of the time their duties forced them to work closely together.
If they'd embark upon an intimate, personal relationship as well, wouldn't
they grow tired of each other after a while, spending so much time together? Wouldn't the little things start to annoy him
or her?
No sea is too deep
I will wait for the day
That you will laugh
to me like before
"What am I doing to myself?" She questioned the stars. Who was she fooling?
Will Riker didn't want a steady relationship; he just wanted a warm body to fill his bed, no other strings attached. Sure
his one night stands had become less frequent and yes, sometimes they lasted longer and yes, sometimes she could even feel
the beginnings of real love stirring in his unique blend of emotions,
but he didn't want to settle down.
Did he?
And I see
Everything is different
Without you there's no peace
Take
me in your arms again
What if he did? What if he had changed; grown somehow? Deanna had to admit
that she had intentionally avoided probing his mind for the emotions that lay buried beneath the surface.
But if she didif she probed him deep enough to find out how he felt about
her, would she see feelings similar to those they had shared so long ago? Would it feel the same to be wrapped in his arms
again? Would *they* feel the same while in the throws of passion?
It wouldn't.
Or at least she hoped so. Now that she had made herself of how much she longed
for him she also saw how different those feelings were. How they had changed, transformed into deeper and stronger strands
of thoughts and feelings; woven together to a blanket of love.
And I see
That life is changing
There's nothing left I know
Now
that you're not here with me
It could be so beautiful, if he felt the same, if his feelings had changed
as well. His love nurtured by their longstanding friendship, deepened by wisdom and fed by time. It would be so wonderful
to be able to strengthen the bond between them, to do away with pretences of friendship and duty. To just be *them*.
But all these fantasies did was making her more and more aware of the ache
in her heart, the emptiness she felt inside, the desperate flickering of the Imzadi-bond in her mind. She needed- his touch,
both physically and mentally. She needed to feel his love to chase away the emptiness and restlessness inside her.
And I see
Everything is different
If only he would take her back; make both of them forget of times past, of
hurt and anger. It would take time, she knew; time to make the transition from a fake but strong friendship into a true and
deep romance. They would have their disagreements, their fights and there would even be anger and a touch of hate, but it
would be *them*. Truly and wholly *them*.
He would bring the color back in her life and make her days bright and interesting
again. He would do so much, not realizing the impact he would have on her but that was okay. She just wanted him back in her
life; his arms around her again, his thoughts tangled with hers, his passions fuelling her own.
She wanted him
<Picard to Troi>
"Yes Sir?"
<Counselor, Starfleet Command has dispatched us to Beral II where we will
host a party for Regent Cuzar and the Berallian delegation to celebrate their joining into the Federation in three days. Could
you please see to the arrangements?>
"Of course Sir."
<Thank you Deanna, Picard out> Troi suppressed a sigh and rose to her
feet, no time for personal problems now, they would have to wait until after the banquet.
If only I had the courage, if only you felt the same, if only you could
see...
Without you there's no peace
Take me in your arms again
Take me in your life, oh please
End
